This is what you get when you pay eHarmony for their services
They ask you something like 500 questions and rate you according to
their "dimensions of compatibility".
I didn’t have any luck meeting anyone on eHarmony in 4 months.
I think I am a “difficult” i.e. an extremely complex, person to match.
Introduction to Agreeableness
This section of your profile describes your interactions with other people. The ways we communicate our feelings, beliefs and ideas to others are influenced by our cultural backgrounds, the way we were raised, and sometimes which side of the bed we got up on this morning. Some of us are very mindful of others making decisions we hope will be in their best interests, even if it means sometimes neglecting our own interests. Others of us believe each person should be responsible for themselves, taking deep pride in our own character and independence with a firm belief that others are best served by doing the same. The following describes how you engage with others; illustrating the dimension of your personality that determines your independence or your desire to reach out and touch others in meaningful ways.
You are best described as:
TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Words that describe you:
* Fair
* Considered
* Collaborative
* Responsive
* Sensible
* Diplomatic
* Contemplative
* Indulgent
* Rational
A General Description of How You Interact with Others
You are important. So are other people, especially if they are in trouble. You have a tender heart, but you know how to establish and keep personal boundaries. You are empathetic and compassionate, but you also believe that it's best if people solve their own problems and learn to take care of themselves, if they are able.
You are deeply moved by the needs of others, but you know that if you don't take good care of yourself, you'll wind up being of no use to anyone. So yours is a thoughtful compassion. You strive to be fair and sensible, taking care of others while also taking care of yourself.
When someone really is in trouble, you like to collaborate with them toward a solution; they do their part, you do yours. You consider carefully, and respond in a sensible way; they do their part, and together you move through the difficulty.
You seldom act impulsively; rather, when a problem arises, you take your time to think through the situation. This contemplative quality usually means that you'll arrive at a diplomatic solution, one that's fair for the other person and also fair to you. It's frequently a win/win situation.
Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
For people who are ruled by tender-hearted compassion, your more diplomatic response to problems might seem too cool, too focused on fairness and not filled enough with sympathy and selflessness.
For them, when someone's life is on fire, what is needed is not collaboration but rescue. And the person who experiences their life on fire may resent the time you take to contemplate. "I need you, and I need you NOW! This isn't about fairness, it's about the fire." "All deliberate speed" may seem too deliberate and not fast enough, either to the more compassionate or to people in genuine trouble.
At the other end of the spectrum of compassion, those who believe people should take care of themselves may find even your thoughtful sympathies too soft. They expect people, themselves included, to work their own way out of trouble. They are convinced that the helping hand you lend just fosters dependence and is not good for the development of character, either in you or in the person you assist.
Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Many people, perhaps the majority, will come to appreciate your balance as a compassionate person. The more they get to know you, the more they will admire your thoughtful compassion for others and its compliment in the sensible ways you take good care of yourself.
Those whom you help will appreciate the way you leave them with their dignity by expecting them to collaborate in their own rescue. Those who are more tender-hearted will find in you a balance they lack; when they've run out of energy because they fail to take good care of themselves, you will still have enough compassion left to lift others out of trouble.
Even the tough-hearted, those who believe people should solve their own problems, might come to admire your tenderness which they don't find in themselves. So the people you help will be grateful, and the people who see your balance between self and others will admire you. Certainly, balanced is not bad at all as a way to be known among your friends.
Agreeableness - Introduction:
In earlier paragraphs you were described on a scale that included Taking Care of Others and Taking Care of Yourself. The following paragraphs refine what was described in those preceding paragraphs. You will find below descriptions of three specific character traits that are sub-sets of Taking Care of Others and Taking Care of Yourself.
The three describe your qualities of Modesty, Social Integrity, and Generosity.
Modesty - Introduction:
While taking care of others and taking care of yourself, to what degree do you try to put yourself in the spotlight or keep your caring acts hidden? Are you out to make a name for yourself as "someone who really cares", or are you content with the actions themselves and comfortable if no one recognizes you for your efforts? Is some desire for personal gain hidden in your acts of kindness? Are you or are you not a modest person?
Modesty: Your Personalized Description
No one notices, no one knows except you and the person in front of you, and that's just fine with you. You don't get called to the front of the class or singled out at awards ceremonies as "the person who really cares". You just do it, quietly and consistently, without drawing attention to yourself. More than most people, you know how to listen carefully and speak honestly to whatever another person needs from you.
You've probably discovered what not everyone else learns: when you focus on the other person, at some point the other person will reciprocate and you'll get your turn to be the center of attention. You need a bit of that, as most people do. But that's not why you are such a good listener, such an attentive friend. You pay close attention to the person in front of you because that's who you are: someone who genuinely cares.
Another thing: you are not a fault-finder. You don't listen carefully in order to find the flaws in a person's character or behavior. You don't get into that relational see-saw game of putting them down in order to prop up your own sense of worth. When you care for someone the offer is genuine; it's about them, not about you.
You do have your own needs in even these most intimate relationships, with your few closest friends and your partner. At times you want them to stop talking and start listening, to let the conversation move from your laser-like focus on them to at least a heart-felt if not so laser-like focus on you. Before you run out of energy in caring for others, you need to restore your own sense of well-being in the relationship. Not most of the time, but at least a bit of the time. The hard part for you is asking for this. You are much more comfortable as the giver than as the receiver, much more likely to ask, "What's up with you?" than to say, "Hey, I need to tell you what's going on with me". Maybe some friends have disappointed you in the past, and not been nearly as interested in you as in themselves. But you don't need to assume that's true of the friend or partner now standing in front of you. Perhaps if you gave them a chance they could reciprocate, if not with the same attention you give them then at least with enough attention to give you a chance to be heard. Maybe. And maybe it's worth a try.
But to be clear again: you're not looking for the spotlight, and you're not in these relationships to see how much you can get for yourself out of this other person. Your affection and attention are not tools of deception to suck affirmation from your friends. This is who you are: a person who listens well and cares deeply; your affection and attention are the real thing.
Generosity - Introduction:
Generosity is both attitude and action. It is an attitude of genuine interest in the well-being of others, and a genuine desire to help them. And generosity is action: taking the time, gathering the resources, delivering the goods. When it comes to taking care of others and taking care of yourself, are you a generous person? The following paragraphs describe what it is like to be more or less generous in your relationships with people you are close to.
Generosity: Your Personalized Description
In the arithmetic of generosity you've found an equation that works pretty well for you. You know when taking care of others means lending a hand and when the best way to take care of them is to leave them alone and let them take care of themselves. You know when it's time to focus your kindness on them and when you need to turn your attention to yourself so that your own life stays sane and lively. You can be generous when generosity is called for but you are not indiscriminate with your generosity, doling it out when it isn't required. You give enough to help when help is needed, but you take enough time and keep enough of your resources to insure that your own life goes well. Such is the arithmetic of your generosity.
Since you know how to be generous, it is curious that you stop short of giving all you've got. It's as if you are afraid that you might deplete yourself, as if there's not enough in you, not enough of you to let your generosity run free. Or perhaps your caution has as much to do with your view of other people as with your fear of emptying yourself. Maybe you have a genuine concern that people will become dependant if you offer them too much, and that what they should do most of the time is dive down into their own treasure chest of time and energy and inner resources and pull up what they need to get through. Perhaps it's both: you don't want to run dry, and you want other people to find their solution in themselves and not from you. Whatever the case, it is curious that you have more to give than you give.
Your closest friends and your partner may alternate between genuine gratitude and confusion. Gratitude, because when you come through for them, you come through big time: you show up, you stay, you give what you've got, and they thrive. Confusion, because there are times when you don't show up, or show up only briefly or with little in your hands, and slide off to take care of yourself while they're still trying to climb out of whatever ditch they've fallen into. When you're there for them, you're really there, and they're grateful. But it's confusing when you don't show up; they wonder where you are and why you're not there when they need you.
Still, the arithmetic works for you. You give what you can, but not more than you can. For the rest, you want people to take care of themselves, use their own resources and not just yours. This equation keeps you close enough to know what intimacy is, but sane and lively in your own life as well.
Social Awareness - Introduction:
While taking care of others and taking care of yourself, to what extent do you let people know what you really think and feel? Do you hide your foibles and failures, or can you laugh at yourself in front of someone else? If you believe in someone, will you speak up on their behalf even when it might cost you? Do you see yourself as part of a social system of equals or do you see yourself as part of a social system where you need to game the system a bit - never quite sure what others want or what you are willing to give. For some people, it's true that what you see is what you get; there's nothing hidden about them. For others, what you see is what they want you to see, and they keep a good bit of who they are out of sight. The following paragraphs describe your level of social awareness.
Social Awareness: Your Personalized Description
You are rather cautious about letting people know what you really think and believe; even your closest friends find it hard to know what your deepest feelings are. You keep your inner world to yourself. If you have weaknesses, they are YOUR weaknesses and you feel little need to let others in on them. If you have unpopular or unconventional beliefs, they are YOUR beliefs and you seldom feel a need to put them into the conversation.
To be sure, you're not a closed book. You'll talk about a lot of things you think and believe, and you'll share personal details and opinions about a wide variety of subjects. But these are mostly the safe stuff, which don't involve painful experiences or deep opinions or personal details that could potentially cause embarrassment later on. You can be quite candid on a more casual level. But when it comes to information you consider deeper and more personal, you generally like to keep it to yourself.
It's safer this way. You learned somewhere - either from painful experience or intuition, or perhaps both - that being open can be a hard experience. Someone may think less of you, or criticize you, or some other unnecessary difficulty may result. So you don't open up too often. What's wrong with making it hard to be hurt?
Nothing. Who wants to be hurt? But if you're hard to hurt you may also be hard to know. You know how to be kind, to lend your hand when someone is in need or share what you have when someone is in need. But that's about sharing THINGS; it's not about sharing yourself. Our question for you is about relationships; open and honest friendships. Does your style of keeping your emotional cards close to the chest, so to speak, make it difficult for you to experience the full range of intimacy? Intimacy is an experience inside us; it's about being known, honestly and completely, and still being loved. So in protecting yourself from being hurt is it possible you're also keeping yourself from being known and, to some extent, being loved?
If, after contemplation, you do feel that your style may be keeping you from experiencing the depth in relationships that you desire you may want to try a different approach. What would happen if you were to pick the one person you trust the most, even if right now that is a limited trust and open up to them, not with everything in your life but with something important to you? Give them a chance, see if they treat you with more kindness than you expect. And if they do then maybe you can go a little deeper, share a little more. Who knows? Maybe you'll find ways to a closeness you never thought possible. It's probably worth a try.
Introduction to Openness
How firmly committed are you to the ideas and beliefs that govern your thinking and guide your behavior? Some people trust their current ideas and beliefs the way a climber trusts the mountain; whichever way they move, whether the climb is on a familiar trail or over new ground, there is something solid beneath them, something they count on.
For others, new ideas, new solutions to old problems, new beliefs that replace tired convictions are like welcome wind in their sails. They can hardly wait to tack in a new direction and ride a new idea through uncharted waters. If it's new, it's interesting, and they're ready to explore.
The following paragraphs describe your responses to new ways of thinking and believing. How do you handle new information? Are you more like the climber on a familiar mountain or a sailor with a tiller in hand and a fresh breeze to propel you? How you integrate and process new information about the world and about others is a core aspect of your personality.
On the Openness Dimension you are:
VERY CURIOUS
Words that describe you:
* Imaginative
* Creative
* Intellectual
* Adventurous
* Unconventional
* Artistic
* Progressive
* Daring
* Inspired
A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences
You are a very creative and imaginative person who is especially open to new ideas or new ways of thinking about old problems. You love to approach a conventional idea or a traditional way of doing things by walking around to the other side and explore it from a novel perspective. What's new is what interests you. Like an artist looking for a new way to see, you focus your imagination on envisioning ideas, events or problems in completely original ways. You are intellectually progressive, which means you like to think and feel your way into unexplored landscapes where you let your sense of intellectual adventure romp freely.
Because you are so curious you can also be very teachable. You learn from personal and interpersonal experiences as well as from classrooms and textbooks. You crave new information, and toss and turn it in your vivid imagination. When you come across an idea from someone else or a thought in your own head that is particularly provocative or original, you light up. With wit and wisdom, Dr. Seuss describes you like this: "Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!"
Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking
Not everyone will be thrilled by your adventurous mind. Many people are content with the ideas that have served them and their culture well, and with visions they've grown accustomed to of what is and is not true. They're not lit up at the prospect of moving out of their comfort zone. Others are afraid of new ways of thinking and creative ways of solving problems because they are somewhat fragile in the sense that they have trouble maintaining serenity in their current worlds and don't want someone, like you, for instance, pushing out the edges of their intellectual and cultural cosmos. So don't be surprised if your unconventional ideas sometimes get you criticized, or if some people walk away from the explorations of new territories of the mind that you find so exhilarating.
Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Despite some negative responses to your style of thinking, many people will find your progressive thoughts and vivid imagination quite attractive. Some will find your openness to new ways of thinking and your willingness to explore what others shy away from a very compelling quality. Other creative souls will find in you a companion on the journey into the unknown, and will welcome the camaraderie. Conversations with them will be lively and innovative and will ignite your imagination, and theirs. Even some who are less curious than you will be impressed by your courage to think and believe what is for them unimaginable, and by your willingness to go on adventures of the mind that they would find dangerous or daunting. For these people you might become a mentor into the wilder side of thinking and believing, and nudge them toward the creative and progressive ideas that you find so interesting.
Openness - Introduction:
In the eHarmony.com Personality Profile you were described as either Curious or Contented, or somewhere in between. These descriptions were developed from how you responded to new ways of thinking and believing. The following paragraphs add to that description of you as Curious or Contented by exploring aspects of Openness. Specifically we reflect on the extent to which you are an Information Processor, someone who is Inquisitive, and your degree of Perceptiveness.
Information Processor - Introduction:
We're reminded regularly that we live in "the information age". With streams of email and phone messages and the vast sea of data on the internet it seems sometimes that we might drown in "TMI", or "too much information." How well do you do at taking all of this information in, making sense of it and using it wisely? This increased flow of information is also happening in our personal lives. If we talk honestly and listen carefully with our friends and our partners, there's a lot of stuff to process: everyone we know wants us to listen to and understand their different opinions and beliefs and each of us brings our unique family history and our own records of personal successes and failures that make up the stories we want to tell to those we care about. The surge of feelings that result come at times like water from a fire hydrant.
Again, how well do you do at taking all this in, making sense of it and using it wisely? Put briefly, how effective are you as an Information Processor?
Information Processor: Your Personalized Description
It's easy to imagine you sitting in front of your computer screen checking emails and surfing the net for a project you're working on while your land-line phone rings and then your cell phone rings. Okay, so maybe you've upgraded and now several of these functions are performed by one integrated instrument; the point is it's easy to imagine you taking in a great deal of information and enjoying the rush of it; processing it with skill and quickly figuring out how to use it effectively.
The same quality is true in your relationships. When your friends or your partner tells another chapter of their story or catches you up on their day you actually hear what they're saying, fit it in with the other bits and pieces you know about them, and communicate back to them that you got what they said and understand what they mean and how it modifies or confirms what you already know about them. All this is to say that you process information well. You catch on quickly to what the data mean, you analyze problems accurately and you use this knowledge to think ahead about how this information alters your decisions about what to do and how to do it.
Here are a couple of things to consider. First, we're reminded all the time about the difference between information and knowledge, and you may want to be cautious about assuming that your ability with information is the same as knowledge. Some people who can handle an intense flow of data and sift and sort it nevertheless don't do very well in fitting it in to some bigger picture. Just how your particular piece of a work project affects and is affected by what's going on down the hall is something you may not be as good at as you are at sorting data. And learning another piece of information about your friend or partner doesn't necessarily mean that you'll use it wisely; facts always need to find their meaning in the nest of feelings and beliefs in another person. So be careful to note the difference between information and knowledge.
Even with this caution you should celebrate you ability to process information so well. It is undoubtedly one of the most useful tools you could possess in this Information Age. Your proficiency with information can play a positive role in making your relationships thrive as well. If you use this skill to handle the "people" part of the data stream that is your life, both you and your colleagues and friends and your partner will be better off for this gift you bring.
Inquisitive - Introduction:
People who raise children talk about a period in early childhood when every bit of new information is met with the question, "Why?" "You need to eat your carrots." "Why, mommy?" Or, "Why is the sky blue?" Or, "Why did Grandpa die?" Many of the questions never do get answered, but most children grow out of their incessant curiosity and find their own answers, however reliable, to the simplest and the most profound questions. Most children. But some never lose this curiosity. Into adulthood they are addictively inquisitive. "When a fly lands on the ceiling does it come in flying upside down, or does it do a quick flip-turn just before landing?" Most of us would say, "Who cares?", but for the truly curious such questions taunt them and haunt them. How about you? The following paragraphs describe the extent to which you are or are not inquisitive.
Inquisitive: Your Personalized Description
You are the inquisitive child who never stopped asking "Why?" Well into adulthood you still have an insatiable curiosity about the way the world works and why people behave in certain ways and not in others. Where most people would ask a question, get an answer and be satisfied, you press on. "Why do men and women deal differently with problems between them?" "Men are problem solvers and want to find a solution, while women are more interested in relating so they want to talk things through." Enough for some people. Ah, but you want to know, "Is this a difference in their brain structure, or is this something learned through cultural influences?" Probably some of each. Enough then, right? Not so fast. "But why don't cultures just alter the way we nurture women and men and try to resolve this difference?" And on and on and on. Why? Why? Why?
Your curiosity keeps you stimulated, keeps you thinking and exploring and growing. You're always seeking out new facts, or new interpretations of known facts, or new comparisons of various interpretations. . . . .well, you get the point. You just keep pushing out the edges of the envelope, hungering for more information, more understanding. All of this makes you a very interesting person. You are lit up with your own curiosity; your mind is lively, your imagination always switched on, and you consistently have new insights that captivate you.
Most of the time, your friends and colleagues are fascinated with what you bring to the conversation. Like few in the group, you have a way of taking conversations to a higher level by asking - and sometimes answering - questions no one else is dealing with and pushing everyone forward toward new knowledge. In your work environment your inquisitiveness requires the entire team to think outside the box, to be restless with what is now routine and willing to explore another way to make the product or offer the service. Among your friends and with your partner you are the one who gets everyone to consider a different approach to recurring problems or a different way to understand why you love one another and what it means to make commitments for the long run.
But sometimes enough is enough. You exhaust the curiosity of others even as you're moving on to the thirteenth level of Why. They're ready to settle in to some boring conversation about ordinary stuff because their brains are worn out by your questions. "Give it a rest" is what they think, whether they say it or not.
So you've got to be discreet with your inquisitiveness. On your own, have at it as long as you wish. But in the company of others learn when you've gone far enough and need to back off. Your curiosity is one of your great gifts to your work colleagues, your friends and even your partner and you don't want to spoil the gift by wearing out its welcome.
Perceptiveness - Introduction:
How well do you see? Not with your eyes but with your instincts. Do you read people like an open book or is it easy to slide something past you as if your inner vision blinked? Some of us misread other people's intentions while others of us get it right away; some of us consistently misjudge situations while others of us seem to know what's happening even if it isn't obvious. How well do you see? The following paragraphs describe your Perceptiveness.
Perceptiveness: Your Personalized Description
When you have your mind's eye open and your ears attuned, you don't miss much. You see what's going on around you, not just the obvious but also the subtleties of peoples' behavior and intentions. You hear what's being said by your friends and your work colleagues and even catch those nuances that many other people miss. When you are looking and listening carefully you know well how other people are reacting to you, and why, and you read them like pages of an open book.
But for some reason or reasons there are moments or circumstances when you just don't get it. Like the monkeys with their hands covering their eyes and pressed over their ears, there are occasions when you See No Evil and Hear No Evil nor much else of what is going on around you. It's as if you are momentarily struck blind and deaf to the obvious and the nuanced and you wind up the fool you don't ever want to be.
What happens to you in these moments? Maybe you just stop paying attention. You are distracted by something that seems more important - a concern you're pondering or a fantasy you're enjoying or some situation at work or at home that you can't take your mind's eye off of. Perhaps you think the situation or the person in front of you isn't that important; they don't matter that much to you and they cannot possibly hurt you. Then suddenly you've slipped on a banana peel and you don't know why.
Look, you're smart enough not to get caught off guard like this. There is ample evidence from all the times you see and hear so well that you don't need to slip into these moments of naivete or density that get you into trouble. Maybe you could use your friends or your partner to nudge you when your mind wanders off; and maybe you can learn some mental disciplines that will help you keep your mind on what's right in front of you. Most of the time you're nobody's fool; you'd be wiser still to increase that time and minimize those awkward moments when you take a mental or emotional pratfall.
Introduction to Emotional Stability
We're born with the capacity to feel deeply, so it's as natural as breathing to experience a range of emotions. Fear and joy and sadness, anger and shame and disgust lie somewhere within each of us. Ah, but to what extent do we control these emotions, and to what extent do they control us? How you answer this question of how your emotions play out in your life has a great deal to do with your levels of personal satisfaction and with the character of your relationships with others. Do you manage your emotions well, keeping them in check with your thinking and your willpower, or are you someone who lets emotions have their way, giving in to the wild dance of feelings? The following paragraphs describe your emotional range in terms of being a person who is emotionally steady or someone who is responsive to whatever feelings swell up in you.
On Emotional Stability you are:
RESPONSIVE
Words that describe you:
* Open
* Accessible
* Too Sensitive
* Reachable
* Candid
* Unguarded
A General Description of Your Reactivity
You are an emotional person. In some ways, we are all emotional; we feel joy, anger, sadness and fear; some of us more powerfully than others - and you more powerfully than most. Your emotions are closer to the surface, and your feelings more obvious to you than is the case with most people. You've got your life in a good place, your dominant mood is upbeat, and unless life has been particularly trying for you, you greatly enjoy the richness and intensity of life that being so open with your emotions brings you.
Sure there are times when your feelings come very close to the surface, and life becomes more complicated. At these times you may grow self-conscious, or feel a bit anxious. But all in all, you much prefer being open with your emotions, breathing in all that life offers, than shutting down any part of your emotional experience. Granted, there may be times when these emotions are hard but you realize that is part of life. And more often than not you feel enriched by your emotions, by your ability to be open to all that life brings you. You know that even when you have those times that get you down, there will be even more times when you see life in ways that others just can't.
Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Undoubtedly you have met some people who get uncomfortable being around you because your feelings are so close to the surface. They may keep a bit of distance, especially around any subject that might trigger an emotional topic they are uncomfortable with. Over time, they might even stay away from you more and more. You will find you have decisions to make; do you temper your style for their comfort or do you hope they will find ways to become more comfortable with emotional expressions? Given the richness that seems to stem from your emotional life the most meaningful response is probably very apparent to you.
Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
You are a cherished companion for those friends who can handle emotions well. They will appreciate the candor with which you express even difficult feelings like anger and fear. Your openness will make intimate conversations even more intimate, and make the connections between you as friends deeper and stronger. Some people who have trouble expressing their feelings might find in you a good example of how to be more vulnerable and more open. Your willingness and ability to share your emotions could encourage them to share theirs, and invite them into ways of being friends that will help enrich their lives.
Anger Management - Introduction:
Anger is as natural as love is, as much a part of what it means to be human as sadness or fear or joy. But for most people anger is a more troubling - perhaps the most troubling - of our emotions. Some people refuse to express anger directly; they hold it in, like holding their breath, until the moment passes and the anger slips out like a subtle sigh. Other people explode with the frequency of popcorn, littering their lives with necessary and unnecessary conflict. What about you? You get angry of course; everyone does. But how do you manage those angry moments? The following paragraphs describe your ability to manage your anger.
Anger Management: Your Personalized Description
You relate to your anger the same way most people relate to a bad memory: it's there, you know it's there, but you do whatever it takes not to pay attention to it. The sequence goes something like this: Try not to acknowledge it. Even if you acknowledge it, try not to show it. Even if you show it, try not to say it. Even if you say it, try not to lose control. You operate with something like this ascending scale of effort when it comes to controlling your anger. And "control" is the correct word; you want to control the existence, and if not the existence the expression, of anger before it controls you. Either you convinced yourself or someone told you that anger is bad or dangerous, or both. So you won't go there. Sad? Okay, you can be sad. Or frightened. Or joyous. But not angry.
This strategy works quite well. Because you don't let yourself get angry you seldom find yourself in those arguments, either the silly or the serious ones, which other people seem to live in as if it's their natural habitat. You make your way through difficult discussions with your civility in tact, and despite levels of provocation that might get even mild-mannered people riled up you maintain your cool. This strategy with anger keeps your life uncluttered with the debris that emotional warfare always produces. You like it like this.
Most of your friends and maybe your partner will manage anger differently. A few of them might be exploders, tossing anger around like hand-grenades and creating the predictable relational wounds. Others may be less volatile but still more willing to shout out their anger in certain circumstances. Still others may concentrate their anger like a laser, confining it to certain situations but, when expressing it, doing so with lethal force. And all of them may have a hard time understanding your strategy with anger. "Come on, just let it out; show us how you feel". "Don't give us that calm-cool-and-collected routine; you must be boiling inside." Because they cannot control their anger they will not trust your control of yours.
Two pieces of advice. First, it's important to acknowledge your anger, if not to anyone else then at least to yourself. Remember, anger is as natural as breathing, as normal and healthy as love. Anger begins as that set of biological responses that help us deal with danger, whether in the form of a runaway train or a friend who betrays us. Anger helps us protect ourselves. So it's down there somewhere, even in you. It may not boil or explode, but it's there. So learn to listen for it, and to recognize it even when it disguises itself as indifference or that flattened out feeling that is often the prelude to depression. Become friends with your anger so it doesn't have its unacknowledged way with you.
Second, don't try to be like your friends or your partner by expressing anger in ways that are not natural to you. You're not an exploder, so don't fake explosions. You're not a shouter, so don't shout. Maybe the best rule of thumb for you is to wait out the high-heat of an angry encounter and then talk about what happened between you when everyone involved has cooled down. You'll probably discover, to your friends' surprise as well as your own, that you can't remember what started the argument an hour after it's over or if you remember it will seem trivial. On those occasions when the cause was significant, in a cooler conversation you may be able to work out the problem in ways that never succeed in an argument.
Don't forget: anger is a tricky emotion for most people. So get to know your anger, and learn how to manage those tense moments in ways that best suit you.
Emotional Strength - Introduction:
Over twenty years ago Scott Peck began his best-selling book The Road Less Traveled with this profound statement of the obvious: "Life is difficult". Two decades of learning later, we want to say, "Duh!! Of course it is". Life comes at us at too fast a pace, just to get by we need to take on more than we can handle, stress outweighs pleasure by a ton - we know all these things because this is the river we swim in, the life we both choose and cannot avoid. And more often than we'd like, it's difficult to make such a life work. So how do we handle the pressure? Do we manage the stress or does it control us? Are we able to cope beyond simple survival and actually experience our lives as happy and hopeful? Or do we collapse under the weight of it all, panic at the thought of what tomorrow morning brings, and look for some way out of what has become more than we can handle? The following paragraphs describe your emotional strength, which is your ability or lack of ability to deal with the fact that life is difficult.
Emotional Strength: Your Personalized Description
Most of the time you manage to make it through even the most difficult situations. You've survived the break-up of relationships or the loss of a friend or battles in your family or conflicts at work. You somehow manage to gather your inner resources, keep yourself from panicking, and find your way through. Maybe on occasion you collapse; you crawl under the covers for three days, turn the electric blanket up to ten, suck your thumb and sleep until the panic subsides. But not very often. Usually you're up and at it and head straight for the problem, using your brains and your character and your imagination and getting control of your life again.
A word about those times when you lose control. Have you ever tried to figure out what it is about those rare times when you don't do so well? Maybe there's a pattern; maybe they involve a certain kind of person, or a situation that calls for a response you're not very good at - you need to fight for your rights and you don't like to fight, or it's something in your family and your family never allows you to assert yourself. Something like that. It's worth figuring out, if you can, which situations give you the most trouble and how you might cope with them more effectively.
It's also worth knowing where your strength comes from. Maybe you got it from a family that cherished you and challenged you and taught you what you were capable of, or maybe you struggled early on and learned to make your way with ingenuity and imagination until you came to believe in yourself. Now you've had enough experience with surviving, even thriving, to trust that you will make it through most situations.
Here's another thing you've probably already learned. You need friends, or at least one friend, who is very much like you, not necessarily in their opinions or beliefs or the clothes they wear but in their ability to make it through difficult times. Someone you can count on to understand what's happening when the bottom drops out for you, and whom you can lean on as you make your way up out of the ditch. It is a sign of your strength, not your weakness, that you cultivate a friendship with just such a person so that, when you have to, each of you has the other to rely upon.
A word of warning. Some people - maybe some of your friends, or even your partner - are always looking for someone to pick up part of their load in life, either because they cannot carry it or they're just not willing to exert the effort it would take. Be careful. You're strong but you're not invincible, something you know from those rare occasions when you wind up curled up under the blanket looking out at the world. You do neither yourself nor your friends a favor by taking on more than you can or should handle. So use your great strength wisely, and both you and those around you will continue to benefit from it.
Ease with Others - Introduction:
Most of us have at least one or two friends or family members we know we can trust; many of us have a whole crowd of people we think of as reliable. But some people just aren't sure; they don't know if it's foolish to trust even the person they feel closest too. After all, they've been let down before and what's to keep it from happening again, even from someone close at hand? Many of us walk out the door into the world believing that there is fun and goodness and even love to find out there; we embrace the opportunity to explore new places with new or familiar friends. But some people just aren't sure; the world is a dangerous place, and whatever fun or goodness or love there is out there is compromised by the danger of some people and the random acts of violence that no one is safe from. What about you? Do you leave your home every day with a buoyant expectation that you'll find pleasure and kindness out there, or do you anticipate the worst and guard against it with prudence and caution and a very observant eye? The following paragraphs describe ways in which you view the world and the people in it as you venture forth.
Ease with Others: Your Personalized Description
When some people leave the house in the morning the thought they carry out the door is, "Be careful". Not you. "Have a great time" is more like it. After all, there are people out there to meet who are interesting, even if they're strangers to you. And who knows what new adventure awaits you at work or where you stop on the way home? As long as you open yourself to whatever comes, what you say to yourself walking out the door may describe what actually happens: you have a great time.
You're not about to be duped, you aren't careless. You know that life can be dangerous. Thoughtless drivers, irresponsible colleagues, truly dangerous thugs, ill people who don't know that they're spreading whatever they carry. You're cautious enough to be on guard when you wade into contact with these people. But with you, it's caution, not fear. You want to be careful around these people, but you're not frightened of them, or of the world in general.
Because you are not afraid but expectant, you have more, and more varied, experiences than most other people. You'll try new restaurants or weekend vacation spots, introduce yourself to strangers, even some of the strangest of them, and trust people even before they've earned your trust, just because you're that kind of person. Some of your friends may admire and try to emulate your gregarious way with the world. But others, who are more motivated by fear than you are, will hold back and play it safe. This may create some friction between you and them, which you'll have to talk through. The secret to success in these conversations is to understand and respect one another, even in your differences, and to realize the futility of trying to make the other person more like you.
Lucky you. You step into each day with the expectation that you're going to meet people with whom you will have a good time, and more often than not that's what the day provides. It's great to live without unnecessary fear, and to enjoy life as much as you do. Again, lucky you.
Introduction to Conscientiousness
It's a work day, breakfast is over, and you're dressed and ready. So how will you approach the tasks at hand? Some people work best with a clear schedule, a set of priorities and a due date for every step in the process. Others are, shall we say, less regimented. They approach a task with as much imagination as organization, and with a willingness to bend and modify in order to exercise some urge of creativity.
How about you? Do you walk in a straight line toward a clear goal, or are you more likely to dance your way down whatever path will get you wherever it is you're headed? The following paragraphs describe ways in which you approach the tasks life brings to you, and to what extent you are focused or flexible in how you choose to proceed.
Your approach toward your obligations is:
FOCUSED AND FLEXIBLE
Words that describe you:
* Casual
* Informal
* Compliant
* Reliable
* Organized
* Solid
* Dependable
* Uncommitted
* Genuine
A General Description of How You Interact with Others
When you take on a task at work or at home, you are reliable; you get the job done. In an organized way, you define the goal, lay out a plan, figure how long the task will take, and get to work "solid and dependable you".
But and this is important you're not a slave to the plan. You're committed to it, but not chained to it; the connection is more casual and informal. You know that sometimes "the best laid plans" fall off the tracks; when this happens, you clean up the train wreck and start over, undeterred.
Though not happening often, when plans change, you're okay with it. In fact, sometimes you change the plan. It's too nice of a Saturday to finish organizing the garage. Let's go for a bike ride instead. True, the next rainy Saturday will likely find you back in the garage, but for now the work can wait.
What an interesting combination of qualities in you're organized, but casual; solid, but compliant; and dependable, but informal. At home and at work, people know they can rely on you. You take great satisfaction in knowing that people think of you as disciplined and responsible, but you also know that you have something of a free spirit in you, and when this spirit moves you, off you go, following the impulse of the moment. You are rightly proud of your work ethic, but you also enjoy your willingness to lay the tools down, crank up the music and play like a child.
Conscientiousness - Introduction:
In earlier paragraphs you we described on a scale that included being Focused and being Flexible as you approach the tasks in your day. You will find below descriptions of three specific character traits that are sub-sets of Focused and Flexible. The three describe you as Efficient, as a Leader, and as a Planner.
Efficient - Introduction:
As you set out into your day, are you efficient in your use of time, or at the end of your day do look back and feel you wasted time? Do you get done those things you set out to do, or at the end of the day is there still a stack of unfinished business? Have you cleaned up yesterday's mess or left as much of a mess at the end of the day as you found at the beginning? In a word, are you or are you not efficient?
Efficient: Your Personalized Description
Okay, so you sometimes run late; still, you're usually on time. And sometimes your desk resembles the aftermath of a small bombing raid; but you get it cleaned up, eventually. Maybe once a month you blow off a meeting or don't return a phone call; so you're not perfect, but you're way better than some. And when you do miss stuff it's seldom the big stuff; it's one or two details, and didn't someone write a book that says, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"? Don't a few details qualify as "the small stuff"?
To turn it around and look from the other direction, you get a lot done and it's usually done very well, and it's almost always done on time. Even if you're not a "neat freak" or a perfectionist about dotting i's and crossing t's, what you produce meets the needs of the task and is intelligible and doesn't need a whole lot of rewriting or redoing. On any reasonable person's efficiency scale, you are at least Pretty Good.
You might get uncomfortable if the job you're doing or the person you're working (or - and this could be trouble - living) with requires more attention to detail than you are used to giving. Remember, they're as uncomfortable with you as you are with them, so it's a matter of talking it through, finding some accommodation, at least for the project at hand, and making your way together. If the project is not just a work assignment but a relationship, well, you may need some help with that tango. To live with and love someone whose attention to detail is greater or less than yours is like dancing with a klutz; each of you is going to get your toes stepped on. Somebody needs to teach one of you to dance a bit better. Find a good teacher.
Even if you get uncomfortable with some people or they get uncomfortable with you, the important thing is that you are comfortable with yourself. And that's true for you as long as you get enough stuff done with enough attention to detail to make it presentable and with enough attention to the people involved so that no one gets their feelings injured or their expectations disappointed. Most of the time you are pretty content with the way you work and the product you generate. As long as you keep it like that, you'll sleep like a baby even if there's a bit of a mess to wake to tomorrow morning.
Leader - Introduction:
If you were to be in the perfect job where would you fit in the power hierarchy? Are you best suited to be at the front of the company-making tough decisions, pushing things forward and living with the consequences, or would you be better suited to be a worker, someone who has a clear job description, puts in their time and moves on to the next task? We all don't have the Donald Trump instinct, far from it. And thank God for that, no?
Leader: Your Personalized Description
You can take it or leave it. If they need someone to be in charge and you know something about the lay of the land, you'll raise your hand and point the way and others will line up behind you. Or you feel fine if someone else gets their hand up first; they probably know this issue better than you do, have some experience in making important decisions, and deserve to have you and others go in what they decide is the best direction to take. You can lead or follow, whichever place in the group you're best suited for at the moment.
Maybe this flexibility about leadership suits you because you know yourself so well. You've been at it long enough to know what you're good at and when you're just upper-mediocre; you've got some clear strengths, but you also lack either the brains or the charisma or the vision to take charge in certain situations, and you are fine with that. If this is so, no wonder you're comfortable either leading or following. But maybe it's something else; maybe you're stronger than you let on, and you just don't want the responsibilities of leadership. You're smart enough, people trust you, you know how to make decisions, but you just don't want the job. Maybe you got burned in a leadership role and don't want to risk it again, or maybe you'd rather go about the business that really interests you, even if it means leaving the group looking for the leader you refuse to be. When the opportunity to lead presents itself and you choose instead to follow, are you aware of what's going on inside you that governs this decision? It's probably worth exploring, so at least you know why you do what you do when you say Yes or No to leadership.
Another thing. Other people may like the fact that you are willing to follow even though you and they know you're also capable of leading. They may want the leadership role at times, and will appreciate you deference. Or they may agree that someone else in the group is the more natural leader than either they or you are, and by deferring you actually help the group get the best leader available. But they may also get confused by you: one time you lead, and do it well; another time, when they may look to you for leadership, you stare at your shoes instead of raising your hand and they can't figure out what to make of you. "Sometimes Yes, sometimes No. Which is it? Can we or can we not count on you as one of the leaders in this group?"
It might help, especially with those you live very close with or work with day by day, to talk candidly about you and them and leadership. If they understand how you approach roles it might keep them and you from confusion about your place in the crowd. And you could learn something about yourself as a leader from the feed-back they give you; they may think of you as better as a leader than you think of yourself, or - and wouldn't this be awkward - they may advise you to keep your hand down because there are others who do the job more effectively. But isn't it best to get as many perspectives as possible?
Planner - Introduction:
The need for order is one of those peculiar aspects of personality that makes or breaks a seemingly inordinate number of relationships. If you are orderly and have a place for everything few things likely get under your skin more than someone who puts your tools or your office supplies in the wrong place. And if you are the one who truly finds a clean desk to be a sign of a troubled mind you often really do get a bit irked with the person who feels a need to try and reform your disorderly ways. The Planner section will tell you what you probably already know - do you need order to feel comfortable. And while you may know where you already stand on this scale hopefully this will help you plan how to deal with those who differ from you, or perhaps more importantly how to deal with others who are the same as you.
Planner: Your Personalized Description
Around the same time each year you buy yourself a new planner, or sit down in front of a scheduling program and, when you can find an hour of the time between meetings and social events you organize dates that are already committed: monthly meetings of various work and volunteer organizations, the date of your cousin's wedding, tentative vacations plans to ski for a weekend in January and take two weeks in the summer somewhere where it's warm. Then week by week, or sometimes every two weeks, you keep the planner up to date with stuff that comes up at work, dates with friends, a concert you bought tickets for and need to find a friend to take, reminders of your parents' anniversary, various birthdays and baby showers - the dedicated times that form the skeleton you hang the flesh and blood of your life on.
Maybe the person you're closest to at work or your best friend or your partner is a little more organized than you are; they've written in lunch commitments two months in advance, every staff meeting at work, and notes to themselves to read for an evening or hike on a Saturday: they've lined out their lives on the pages of their planner. You're more willing than they are to make up most of it as you go along; you plan enough not to miss the essential commitments, but then keep yourself flexible so you can respond in a day - or sometimes in an hour, or a few minutes - to something that comes up. And you're comfortable with this much order combined with this much spontaneity. You don't forget important things, but you allow yourself the breathing room to say Yes or No depending upon what comes walking toward you.
This doesn't make you a flake, or mean that you're irresponsible. In fact you are at your most efficient and productive, make your best contributions and find the greatest satisfaction precisely because you have just enough structure to know where you're going and enough freedom to take your time with work or friends, respond when something unexpected comes along, and really concentrate on what's in front of you without being distracted by some note in your calendar reminding you to run off to the stationary store because you'll run out of supplies by a week from Friday.
People with more detailed plans might find you frustrating; when they can answer immediately Yes or No to an invitation weeks in advance just by checking their well-documented calendars, you have to say, "I'm not sure, let me get back to you". But frankly, that's the best response for you. You need the time, because you always want room to commit or not commit, depending upon what emerges as the next best use of your time and energy. This is in fact one of your great strengths; you know how to marshal your resources and allot time and energy in ways that keep you both productive and happy. Enough planning to know the general lay of the land, and enough flexibility to change directions or priorities: it works very well for you.
So at the same time next year you'll buy your annual planner, find an hour sooner or later, and go through this ritual of ordering your life just enough to keep yourself on track but not so much that you give up the freedom to say Yes to something new that seems in the moment to be exactly what you want to do.
Introduction to Extraversion
Some days you want to hang out by yourself, not answer the phone, and make the world go away. The next day you e-mail everyone, schedule lunch with a friend, and try to find an evening gathering to take part in. It may be the phases of the moon, or something you ate; some days are just like that. In actuality, your desire to be with others or to be alone reflects something deep in your personality. Some of us are more comfortable by ourselves or with one or two friends, while others of us crave the crowd and can't stand it when the house is empty or the phone doesn't ring. The following paragraphs describe your fundamental desires about being with other people; whether you are generally an outgoing person or more reserved, if you seek adventures with others, if you tend toward assertiveness or kindness.
When it comes to Extraversion you are:
SOMETIMES OUTGOING, SOMETIMES RESERVED
Words that describe you:
* Moderate
* Amiable
* Laid-back
* Temperate
* Relaxed
* Poised
* Civil
* Uncommitted
* Pleasant
A General Description of How You Interact with Others
Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!
Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.
You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!
Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
You may occasionally run into problems with other people. Since not everyone is as balanced as you are, close friends and family may get frustrated with you, or you with them. They may be more sociable and outgoing, and find you too laid-back and relaxed. They want conversations to be lively and passionate while you keep things amiable and civil. Or others may be more quiet and reserved than you, and when you're in one of your more animated moments they may wish you would back off. You may be ready to put more energy into a conversation than they are comfortable with.
And your balance may be a problem. Other people may be consistently more sociable or more reserved than you, and find you to hard to read, some may even say you ride the fence. Others may find themselves envious of your ability to be outgoing at times, and at other times comfortably reserved. If you pay attention to pick up these cues you will be in a better position to know how you want to interact with such folks.
Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Most people will truly appreciate your flexibility in social situations. They will like you for your amiable warmth and your willingness to engage, and for your ability to sit back and let others take the lead or the spotlight. They will appreciate ways in which you temper what could become intemperate moments; by remaining poised and relaxed when others; temperatures are rising, you keep things civil and sane.
You are as good at listening and following as you are at talking and leading, and people will often appreciate your ability to adapt to the situation. Because you are sometimes outgoing and sometimes reserved, you will make most people comfortable in your presence, and they will truly enjoy your company.
Adventure - Introduction:
At some parties there is the person who dances on the table with the lampshade on their head or leads the group sing-along to the sound-track from Saturday Night Fever or High Fidelity. At the same party is the person in the corner with a drink and a smile, in a quiet conversation that seems uninterrupted by the whirl in the dining room. Some people want to be the first one or the fastest one around whatever the next bend in the road is, while others are content to let the explorers come back and report before deciding whether to venture forth. Some people are "in the moment", ready to respond spontaneously to the most surprising suggestion, while others let the moment pass and stay put and act with deliberation and a certain sense of caution. The following paragraphs describe you in terms of your eagerness for adventure.
Adventure: Your Personalized Description
When the band's signature anthem starts near the end of the concert you're not the first one on your feet waving a candle or a lighter (you probably don't own a lighter!) and belting out the chorus. But once a few people rise, you're up and singing. When someone suggests the group try the Afghani restaurant and they pass the aushak and the sabsi, you aren't the first one to take a bite but, if no one who takes a taste groans, you'll put a bit on your fork and nibble. You're not the one trying to persuade others to try the next new thing, but if someone else stirs up the tribe you'll get in line.
When it comes to new adventures, you can follow someone else's lead and find your way into whatever new experience awaits you, but you're not the leader of the pack or the life of the party. If you wind up on the dining room table dancing with a lampshade on our head it's because the whole group is up there, everyone having followed the lead of that charismatic fool who is always the first one to try it, whatever it is. It's not that you lack courage; you just don't have the need. You are as comfortable in a quiet gathering as at a bash, and would just as soon sit with one or two friends on the edge of the chaos, talking quietly while the weirdos bounce around the room. You have an unusual ability to enjoy whichever direction the group takes.
This makes you great company. For your quieter friends who shun adventure, you are a welcome companion who, if they run out of much to say, will jump-start the next subject and carry the conversation until they're back in rhythm. One on one with a more venturesome friend, you're up for most of what they want to try; where they lead you'll follow and enjoy whatever they choose for the next new experience in the friendship.
You may get out of sorts occasionally if the experience is either too wild or too tame. You just aren't interested in the most daring - to you, the most dangerous - ventures some of your friends will try. Nor do you like to sit, then sit some more, simply talking away a weekend; you want at least some action and you'll take the lead to break up what seems to your terminal boredom. But you're usually pretty gentle with your friends; you don't castigate the more venturesome nor humiliate the quiet ones. You just nudge yourself into a more satisfying position when the people you're with start to make you uncomfortable.
You will probably struggle if you wind up with a partner who is on either extreme. Someone too venturesome will leave you in the lurch too often or, to turn it around, you'll leave them to their own weird choices. Someone too introverted and inactive will bore you to tears before mid-afternoon, and you'll wind up frustrated with one another more often than deeply gratified. So be wise and careful in choosing both a partner and your closest friends; you need these most special people to be more in the middle, where you are, when it comes to just how much adventure and how much stillness they desire.
Good Word - Introduction:
Some people have a way with words that makes other people feel affirmed, complimented, congratulated. Then there are those who seem to find a way to bite or bruise whomever they're in a conversation with, as if they've got an arsenal of words tucked somewhere out of sight, just waiting to be launched. The words we choose and the impact they have determine to a large extent the quality of our relationships. If words cheer the other person the relationships gains; if words hurt, the relationship suffers. So it is very important to pay attention to what we say and how we say it. And it is important to remember that there is a difference between intent and impact; you may intend to compliment or wound but the impact may be something else entirely. The following paragraphs describe the impact your words have on other people.
Good Word: Your Personalized Description
"How do I look in this outfit? Do you think it fits me well?" The test! Whether with friends or your partner, this is the moment we dread. If we respond positively the come-back is often, "Are you just saying that?" If we respond critically the reaction is something between irritation and the end of the affair. You have the ability, even in this dreaded circumstance, of finding the good word. You know you won't be critical; it's just not in your character to talk like that. You will find some way to make the other person feel good about who they are because that too is characteristic of you. And you're smart enough to know that this situation is not at the top of the ethical scale of honesty and lying. If you're in front of a judge and a jury you tell the whole truth and nothing but, and even there you'd find a way to say the truth kindly. But this is no courtroom, it's an intimate moment, and the truth in the intimate moment is that the relationship trumps any objective criteria. So: "Fabulous. You look fabulous, and it fits perfectly." That's what you'd say.
You've learned over time to speak kindly. You find the right word to let your friends or your partner of even strangers know the best things you feel or believe about them. You have opinions, of course, and you hold strong beliefs, but the first thing out of your mouth in response to what someone says is not a contradiction to or a complaint about what they've said. You find a compliment either for what they've said or how they've said it, and you mean what you say. It may not be the whole truth but it's the truth that matters to you between you and the person in front of you.
Hopefully you are as kind toward yourself as you are toward others; hopefully your inner dialogue with yourself is as laced with positives as are your conversations with those you love. This may be an issue. Some people speak kindly and believe what they say about others, but their kindness toward others comes in part as a comparison with their more hostile feelings about themselves. You may want to check this out. There's an easy test: do you use the same vocabulary toward yourself that you use toward others? If not, why not?
It's a choice for you. You're no stranger to the dark side in people or a fool about the mix of glory and vanity in most folks. You've just made the choice to go with the up-side and developed a vocabulary of kindness which you use with great mastery. You know how to curse and contradict; you simply choose not to and instead do your best in most situations to find precisely the good word to share. It's a very positive way to engage others and a kind way to treat yourself as well.
Take Charge - Introduction:
In a group situation, if a decision needs to be made or a direction chosen, will you be the one to take charge or will you wait for someone else, and then follow? In a one-on-one situation, if each of you has a strong but contradictory belief, will you stand up for yourself or capitulate even if you still hold your belief? Or do you rock between these two responses, sometimes leading and sometimes following, sometimes defending yourself and sometimes giving in? Whether or not you take charge in groups or in one-on-one situations is something to know about yourself as you come to understand how you do in relationships. The following paragraphs describe your response when someone needs to take charge.
Take Charge: Your Personalized Description
As a leader you're something of an enigma. In some situations you will state your case, lay out your plan and lead the way. In other circumstances you shove your hands in your pockets, press your lips together and wait for someone else to say, "Let's go this way". In some situations you stand up for yourself even against the strong or manipulative voices of people in charge. In other circumstances you appear to let people shove you around as if you have too little self-respect or just don't care enough to fight for what you believe in and who you are. Sometimes a strong leader, sometimes a passive follower. You are an enigma as a leader.
Why the inconsistency? Perhaps it depends upon the people you're with. If there's a particularly strong leader in the crowd you slide toward the margin and let them take over. You're not someone to challenge someone bent on leading. But if the person or group you're with has no other clear leader you'll step up, make the call and lead the way. Or maybe it depends upon the circumstance. If the decision to take charge is about something you're very good at, no problem: you voice your opinion with confidence, win the debate with less convincing points of view and lead the way.
Maybe the different styles arise not because of the people you're with or the problem you're dealing with but from some uncertainty inside you. On your best days your anxiety is at rest; you can assert yourself with confidence and trust your opinions and your decisions. On other days, when the worry monster rattles its chains in the basement, you're reluctant to take charge for fear that you'll walk in the wrong direction or lead the group into a ditch on the side of the road.
This inconsistency may be confusing to your friends and your partner. Since you take leadership on occasion they may identify you as someone whom they can trust to take charge. On those good days you come through for them. But on days when you're passive and waiting for someone else to lead they wonder where you've gone. With your closest friends and especially with your partner it will be important to talk through what you know about yourself as a leader. If you can figure out your own inconsistency and share with them what you discover, both you and they will avoid the worst of the frustrations that come when you rotate between being out front and waiting for someone else to lead.
